I’ve been awake since 3am. My mind churning, distorting, multiplying an issue that feels unsolvable. I keep willing myself to just let the issue go, to think about something else, to stop obsessing already. But my mind is a pit bull – its jaws are locked and not letting go until I come up with a solution.
Been there? When you find yourself languishing in bed, your brain infested with worries, fears and frustrations like a colony of ants, there’s one thing I’ve found that really, really helps.
Getting up, and writing it down.
First things first, getting up. This is the hardest part because, as I know too well, being in bed is nice. It’s warm. Cozy. And it’s way too tempting to cling to the idea that any minute now, sleep will come, even after 2 hours of no sleep. But you have to do it. Get up. Wrap your snuggliest blanket around yourself and put on some fuzzy socks.
Next, scrounge up a pencil & paper, or your laptop, iPad – whatever, and just start writing. Write anything and everything that’s on your mind. Don’t try to make it pretty. Don’t try to be profound or wise. Don’t try to solve any problems. Just pour it all out like you’re dumping a bucket that’s been collecting rain water and leaves and bugs for the past 3 months in the back yard. Nothing you say in these moments is going to get crocheted onto a pillow.
In fact, make it gross. Be petty, be angry, use the words your mom tried to wash out of your mouth when you first learned to cuss. It’s okay, nobody is going to see this (I almost always delete everything I write – sometimes paragraphs by paragraph). The point is to just get it out. Purge.
Because here’s the thing. When we write things down, we expose them to the light of day (even at 3am). It’s like that scene in The Green Mile where John Coffey opens his mouth and a swarm of black flies pour out in an enormous exhale. That’s what happens when we write stuff down. We exhale all the words and letters that our mind is fiercely clutching until our mind has nothing left to grasp onto.
And let me tell you, it is such a relief.
Because the page is a therapist. It just listens. It absorbs the impact of your frustration. Your thoughts may not be gone, but they’re out there in some tangible form, now. One step closer to being figured out, dismissed and named. Sometimes writing something out exposes it for what it is – silly…or overblown. And sometimes it exposes something deeper, something you need to seriously address. Either way, you need to know what kind of criminal you’re dealing with.
Once you’ve exhaled all that crud bottled up inside you, you can begin sorting. You can put things into mental categories or lists on paper. You can inject some reason into your late-night spiraling, sketching out solutions and people who might be able to help.
I think that getting up and writing things out might have been what David did a lot of, in the Psalms. I imagine him sleeping in a cave somewhere, counting sheep (literally), trying to sleep. Because he wrote down a lot of random, emo-type thoughts. These two verses that he wrote, specifically speak into the idea that exposing our thoughts, both to ourselves and to God, are the first step to peace.
Psalm 139: 23-24 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
So next time sleep refuses to grace you with its presence, get up. Write. Throw open the door and let it all out so that your mind can finally stop its relentless race and healing (and sleep) can finally find you.
