Week 4 - What kind of friend are you?

Sacred Insight: Living it out in community
How does this scripture apply to how you relate to your own community – whether fellow believers or those who are not yet believers?

Let’s be honest, being in relationship is hard. Don’t get me wrong, it’s beautiful and a gift from God, but it’s hard. No matter how strong the bond between husband and wife, mom and child, church member to church member, if there is intimacy of any kind, there is bound to be some sort of conflict. And how we handle those conflicts can be more important than all the good times combined.

I’ve heard it said that the person you are in a conflict is who you actually are. It’s easy after all, to wear a sweet and loving mask when times are good and everyone’s getting along. But when opinions clash and feelings are hurt, that mask tends to rip right off revealing our real selves. Ouch.

Consider Job’s friends. At first, they came to console him in his extreme trial and started off as great supports to him. They sat with him and grieved deeply with him in silence. Then the opinions started to fly. Job’s friends began offering their ideas about why all this happened, insisting that Job must have sinned against God. The more they spoke, the more convinced they became of their own opinions. Their speeches rambled on and on, becoming hostile and caustic, losing all compassion for Job and his situation, missing the fact that they were now actually adding to his problems.

Job’s friends were a great example of what not to do when a friend is suffering and the Bible offers many more instructions for how to comfort and love others in distress. Here are a few:

Galatians 6: 1 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Colossians 4: 5 Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. 6 Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath,  but a harsh word stirs up anger.

When others are suffering, the Bible leans heavily on instructing us to be compassionate and gentle, remembering not to make other people’s pain about ourselves and our opinions, but to step into the role of comforter and supporter, instead. It can be hard sometimes if their pain was a result of their own poor decisions, but we need to reflect the compassion of Jesus in those moments, not give the ol’ I told you so. One great way to do this is to remember that Jesus died for us while we were yet sinners.

Because the truth is, none of us have made perfect decisions. None of us actually deserves this breath in our lungs, the forgiveness of a perfect Father, or the brand new swath of mercy God gives us every single day.

We need to keep all that in the forefront of our minds when those around us are suffering, whether we think they deserve it or not.

So, next time you have an opportunity to comfort someone in their distress, remind yourself of the grace and mercy God has extended to you again and again and again and let that saturate your response with gentleness and compassion.

When you are hurt, frustrated, or angry, what is your natural response: withdraw, defend yourself, attack, fix the problem, give advice, or seek understanding? Where do you think that response comes from?

Look at Job’s friends. What did they do well initially, and where did they go wrong? What can we learn from both parts of their response?

The author reminds us that Jesus died for us while we were still sinners. How should remembering God’s grace toward us change the way we respond to someone who has messed up?

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Think about a recent conflict. How might the outcome have been different if you had responded more gently?

Live It Out: One of the most difficult types of people to be silent and listen to, are family members. We tend to let our opinions fly around the people that we know so well. This week, spend time with a family member and focus on listening, not speaking. When you do speak, ask questions and be encouraging and kind. See how your interaction unfolds and take note of how that person responds.